Some jokes la
just to liven things abit.
Choral jokes...
What's the definition of a bad soprano?
One who's so bad that the tenors notice.
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If you threw a viola player and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two answers)
1. The viola player. The soprano would have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
2. Who cares?
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What's the difference between a soprano and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
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What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha?
The lipstick.
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What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
The jewellery.
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What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and the average American football offensive lineman?
Stage makeup.
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What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian tenor?
About 10 pounds.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
2. Two. One to hold the mineral water and the other to get her accompanist to do it.
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How do you put a sparkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
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What's the definition of an alto?
A soprano who can sightread.
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What's the difference between an alto and a tenor?
Tenors don't have hair on their backs.
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How many altos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. None. They can't get that high.
2. Two; one to screw it in and the other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"
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How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched.
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Where is a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
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What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.
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Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would only sing three title roles: Othello, Samson, and Forza del Destino? (true story)
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How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a cheque (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
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How do you tell if a bass is dead?
1. What's the difference?
2. Who cares?
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How many basses does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're so macho they prefer to walk in the dark and bang their shins.
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What is the difference between the men's final at Wimbledon and an amateur choral performance?
The tennis final has more men.
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How does a young man become a member of an amateur chorus?
On the first day in a new town he accidentally goes into the wrong building.
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What is the difference between a world war and an amateur choral performance?
The performance causes more suffering.
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Why do amateur choruses travel so often?
Keeps assassins guessing.
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What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
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What is the difference between an amateur choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.
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How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
47. One to change the bulb and all the rest to stand around explaining how they would have tackled the role if they had been given the opportunity.
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What did the tenor get on his IQ test?
Dribble.
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How do you get a mezzo soprano into a small car?
Grease her hips and put a chocolate bar on the dashboard.
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Definitions:
* upbeat: a threat made to singers, i.e. sing, or else....
* crescendo: a reminder to the singer that he has been singing too loudly.
* conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
* transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.
* vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are out of tune.
* coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.
* bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
* cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
* lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.
* music: a complex organisations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
* treble: women ain't nothin' but.
* bass: the things you run around in rounders.
* clef: what you try never to fall off of.
* major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"
* audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.
* interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
1. Major interval: a long time.
2. Minor interval: a few bars.
3. Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again.
* Agnus Dei: a famous female church composer.
* metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.
frm
http://www.wardle.demon.co.uk/humour/chrjokes.htmlby:joey,who thinks that choir commitment is heavy!esp. when he hasn't done his hols HW!=P
